So, I weighed myself last week, and wanted to throw up. I was 167lbs. I felt aweful, fat, and disgusting!

For the past week I've binged and purged almost every day, some days (like today) 3 times.

Once on ice cream, then on soup, and last on pizza.
Last night it was wontons, rice, and egg rolls (8 wontons, 2 egg rolls, 1 pint of rice)

I've actually been trying to change my diet some, adding Popcorn as a snack instead of cereal bars, or crackers.

One thing I think has contributed to my weight gain is my getting comfortable with my relationship with my crush.
He has been seeing me regularly, even commenting on my thinness to his family and friends. (cause yes, he has introduced me to them both) I believe I am having him fall for me. I even went so far as to bring a toothbrush and shampoo for me over to his house cause I end up sleeping there at least every other week. (Sleeping only Not SEX)

If only he would kiss ME. I always do the kissing first. Maybe soon.

Anyway, I got my weight back down to 161 almost 160, which means I'm almost BACK under it...which means I've only 10lbs to go until I'm to "Norm". My clothing sizes have been averaging 6 or 7, despite the fact that my measurements haven't changed much.

I'm trying to stay strong. I found some photos of me at 240lbs...I NEVER want to be that big again. I literaly cried when I saw them. Everyone who did see them said it didn't even look like me now, but what they don't see is the fact that the 240lb girl in the photos is what I see in the mirror....now.

Here is the truth, the painful truth. I'm falling for him again.

I saw my crush again this past weekend, which lead to us hanging out, and I kissed him, which lead to more kissing, but no sex.

I love being around him, but don't want to pressure him. But I want to spend time with him. I want to make up an excuse to be with him. After over a year of him not being near me, to have him kiss me, hold me, be passionate with me, yet not want sex...I'm confused.

He says he will only have sex when he is in love. So I asked him if he was kidding the times he has joked about it with me. He said he wasn't. That he isn't ready.

It means to ME, that while he isn't in love with me yet, he is sexualy attracted to me, and wants to be in love with me before we have sex. He knows he can have me if he wants me, but he wants to be in love.

I am so much lighter then him now, he can pull me on top of him so easily, and he kisses me so sweetly. I want sex with him, but I want love too.

This is confusing...I don't know if I can believe him. I want him to want me, but I don't know how to do that.

Side Note: My weight went back up, but drops down...currently stuck at 158

I don't know what to write right now.

I went out with my crush. We had fun. We made out. I saw him Valentines. We made out again. We haven't seen or spoken since.

I don't think he wants a relationship right now. I miss kissing him.

It was the best cold I ever caught. I got a cold from kissing him.
I started my period too.

Both caused me to gain 4 lbs.

I've lost 3 of them since I stopped, and have gotten well.

I feel oddly depressed. I want a relationship with this man, but I don't think I can get it. I do know that he thinks I'm attractive. He could hardly keep his hands off me when together. Maybe that is why he isn't wanting me now? I make him too complicated? I don't know. I should rest. Sleep....reboot or something.
That is all.

So, the guy I wanted to go out with never called me yesterday. This got me depressed.

I should never have had expectations. I just hoped to hard that he would call, we could go out and... I don't know.

I've eaten an egg and toast today, and I so want to purge it. I hate myself for hoping.

If only he would call. But I know he won't. But I will wait. Its superbowl Sunday. I should eat a bunch until I puke. It may make me feel better.

I wish.

I'm confused right now.

Here is a small history: 2 years ago I met online and started an online relationship with a man. We were so much alike it was sick. He met me in RL and broke up with me. He claimed it was because distance.

I have since moved, just so happened I moved to the same town as him. I had always planned to, that is why we started talking! Anyway I've lived here a year. He has not seen me in real life in a year.

Ends up he has had a crush on another girl who lives twice as far away then I ever did! But he decided not to go after her, due to the distance.

Anyway, he has been talking to me, even flirting! This is all online via messenger and forums, but for him to play with flirting hurts me. I still have feelings for him! I still want a relationship with him!

Anyway, he and I are going out. I only a couple of weeks ago showed him a resent photo of me. After I lost 70 lbs. Now he and I are going out, and I almost feel, could it be my losing weight has made him consider dating me?

I hate myself! He still has not seen me and I have not seen him in a year, but, god! Do I want him! I hate myself so bad. *cries*

I gave blood the other day. I'm still at a weight and height where they take it, so I thought it would help my body by giving a little.

My weight went down. I'm currently 161. Yay me ^_^

P.S. If you haven't noticed I edited my Journal Layout so that my "Location" is really my current weight. I thought it was a neat idea.

What is my Diet?

Well, I live alone, and on a very strict budget. I knew that to survive on my own I would have to eat basic. At first I tried Rice. It was cheap and I LOVE rice, but the whole "Vitamins" thing came in to play, so I added frozed veggies in the mix. (An asian blend but I don't cook the sause...the sause is EMPTY CALORIES! just a table spoon for flavor, and water to steam them and EAT ^_^) It was LOW Calorie, nutricious, and filling! I change it up a little sometimes, adding grilled chicken and mini eggrolls to the mix for protein, but over all...get this ladies. I have LOST over 70lbs!!!!!! in the past year. But...even though I'm the "norm" now where I used to be the obese satisitic, I KNOW I can get as small as the rest of you ladies.

Here is what I eat:

1/2 cup streamed white rice (the minute rice...cooks a cup once cooked)(200 cal)
1 cup mixed veggies (Broccoli, carrots, peas, waterchestnuts, red peppers, baby corn, mushrooms)(60 cal)
1 Eggroll (baked, not fried) (190cal)
3 strips of grilled chicken (1/2 cup cut up)(80 cal)
Steam the veggies and chicken together with 1 teaspoon of sause mix, lay over rice, add baked eggroll, eat ^_^

Seems like a lot?...but this is ALL I eat all day! (besides 1 pack of crackers at lunch)(160-200 cal)
and I take a multi-vitamin every day (Helps save your hair and improve your skin)

I drink Caffine free diet coke or water, and I chew gum all day.

So, I have lost a lot of weight and inches on DIET alone this past year. I want to spring in exersize now, and tone up my body, and trim the rest of this damn weight off. I also need a support system, and friends who understand what I go through, when I go home every night, strip of every ounce of clothing and hate my reflection...for not being THIN!

I was looking at these stats and apps online on these communities asking "What eating disorder do you have?" and I HATE it. I know there are so many different classifications for what I think or know I have. I just can't put my finger on which one. Why? Cause if any real doctor were to know what I do I would be locked up or worse...sent BACK home to my parents.

Well, You must be unstable to hurt yourself like this. That is childish and irresponcable of you.

No, its just how I have learned to cope with society and it's unforgiving ways! (Expect a post JUST on that argument soon) I want something to control, so many people have always controlled me.

Well, isn't your ED controlling you?

No, it is what I have control over. What I don't have control over is society and it's pressure on life that you HAVE to fit this mold or be treated like shit.

What ED do you have?

Like I said, I'm not sure. I know...I eat. But in resent months, practicly this last year I have controlled it so much that I hardly see food as food. I see food as nutrician. That's all.

Explain?

When in school we are taught that food is energy that we need to live. At that age we do not honestly grasp this fact. Food tastes good, makes us feel emotionaly at times. For example: Cake. When I see cake, I think birthday cake. I think happiness. I am associating a feeling of happiness or nostagia with a peice of sugar and fat.

I think I finaly reached a point in my life where I honestly don't see food as anything but energy. I had to get to the point of hating it so badly that I had to find a way of degrading it so not to want it.

Granted, at times I do want the "comfort" of food. The happy memory it gives me, so at those times...yes I will indulge...and in most cases binge.

I reached a point mentaly where I just couldn't stand myself, where I was, how I was living. I was grossly fat, ugly, unloved, and miserable. I wanted to be worthy to love. I wanted to be desired...and I wasn't. So I had to change. I had to mold myself in to perfection so in hopes I will be desired, and perhaps loved...I have never been loved. (yes, I mean that)

So, in my mind when I order food, cook food, buy food, I do it for the energy, vitamins, and nutrician.

Here is one thing I do...take a peice of pizza. Fresh cut, hot, melted cheese, sause dripping, then let it sit for 10 minutes. Once it cools I see the fat, grease, and it disgusts me. I do the same with pastas too.

If what I eat, after sitting for 10 minutes looks gross, I can imagine what it does to my insides. The grease, fat and grossness settling in my skin, in my fat. NASTY!

When I do eat, it's for the most part, good for me.

Rice, Veggies, chicken, yummy....and...truth...when I purge it comes up easier!

Often breads and such dough up when eaten makeing it hard to come back up. This hurts me. but...rice...it comes up with out as much difficulty.

Along with eating one meal a day, I take vitamins. They are multi vitamins, and supposed to give me a complete amount of vitamins required in a day. This has worked in keeping my hair from falling out. When I first changed my diet my hair fell out...BAD, my nails became brittle... it sucked.

One thing I'm doing now is working on staying hydrated. A lot of weight is water, but water is also the one thing you should always have. As I have lost weight, my lips get cracked, and chapped. I need to lose the fat, but if I look like a shriveled dry mess...who is going to want to cuddle that?

Anyway, that is just a briefing on how I think....expect more later.

My stats are as follows:
Name: Broken Lites
Age: 26
Height: 5'7
High Weight: 248lbs
Lowest Weight: 160lbs
Current Weight: 163lbs
Goal Weight: 145lbs (for now)
Measurements (Highest): 44-40-45
Measurements (current): 36-32-35
Measurements (goal): 35-24-35

Hi, I'm Brokenlites. I'm a blogger.
I've always blogged, but in resent years have decided to press the reset key on my life. I deleted my old journals, friends lists, and other sites to just START OVER.

I will speak frankly about my life here. I will not lock any posts. I will post only the truth as I see it. Anyone can comment on anything.

Post One:
My Past:
I'm 26 years old now, but before I was got here I had a childhood and an adolecence that was full of heartache and turmoil.

At 4 I was sexualy molested by a family member. This caused a lack of trust in all men for me. I was beaten daily growing up by my older siblings. and I'm not talking "Mom, Joe's looking at me funny!" I'm talking I was dragged down hallways, kicked in the stomach, beated black and blue. I had to hide whelts and cuts from my parents for fear that the beatings would get worse if I ever told. When I did tell, I was correct. Only now I knew telling would never help.

My parents used me for what I knew in life, my knowledge of current events, computers, and art. They controled my life so bad that I have now developed such an impulse to control things I end up trying to control other people. People I love or care about.

I was hated in school. I was often humiliated and spat on in the halls. I never knew why other then that I was ugly, fat and not worthy to be their equal.

I did graduate school, and have moved on in to the "real world". I hope to improve myself. I want to surround myself with supportive people. I will write here what I feel and express what I feel here. I hope everyone will understand. This is my time to be.